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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Next, I head to the local diner on Calle de la Libertad. I need a break. I order a mofongo, and let me tell you, it’s the best in town. I’m sitting there, just enjoying life, when I overhear some locals talking about the upcoming festival. They’re all hyped about the parades and music. I’m thinking, “Man, I need to get in on that!”

Close Encounters of the Romantic Kind (Published 2012)